Guilt, Boundaries and Your Home
Alright it's no secret we all feel a little guilt around some of the things that we keep in our home. Whether it’s a gift your mom gave you that you know you’ll never use, your grandma’s China that sits in a cupboard or artwork that your kids made that’s cute but not really something you’d hang up in the living room. Don’t even get me started on adult children who leave things at their parents house because “I don’t have the space yet, but I will want it!”
At what point do you say forget it and actively choose what belongs in your home instead of keeping things because you feel guilty getting rid of them? Imagine the day when you can fill your house with the things you really love and use instead of them being storage units for what others think is important.
Before we can begin to change the way we think about stuff we have to look at why we think that way. For years, women have been told that to be a good wife, mother, daughter and friend they should be selfless, doing things for everyone else while putting themselves last. This does a number on us! This can lead to worrying about what others think which in turn makes it hard to trust our intuition Or we worry about offending someone or not being grateful. It affects every area of our lives including our homes. In any family there’s usually one member who is the default that things are dumped on, everyone knows they’ll keep it even if they don’t have the space or want it so it relieves their guilt of not keeping the family “heirloom”. Don’t be that person, and don’t be the dumper to someone else.
When I'm decluttering with clients, I can usually tell the items they’re keeping for the wrong reasons. It won’t quite fit their style and when I hold it up they almost apologetically say “It was a gift, I have to keep it” my next question is always but do you like it or use it. It's not that you can’t keep anything sentimental- of course you can! But it should be the things that make you smile when you look at them, the things you proudly display or wear or use even if they are a little weird. One thing I recommend is taking time to picture the home you want. What does it look like and how do you feel about it? It sounds a little hokey but it's a way to connect with your intuition so you can start trusting your gut again.
It’s hard to change the way we think about things, I know, I'm a recovering guilt keeper.
The first thing to remember is the act of giving a gift is the gift, you aren’t required to keep anything past that point. It's also okay to set boundaries for the people who are consistently not respecting you when you say no. It could be your parents or inlaws bringing stuff they no longer want under the guise of a gift or that these are things you need. Be honest with them and say please send a picture before you bring it and if we say no, listen. It could be adult children who have left things in your house that they say they want but don’t have space for. If they don’t live there you don’t have to put up with their stuff. Give a deadline and say it will be donated if you don’t take it by x date. It's your home you get to decide.
The same could be said for gifts for your kids. It's okay to make lists for family members and expect them to stick to it. You know your kids best and know they don’t need a lot. When people are giving large or loud toys it can really negatively affect your household. It's okay to say no to gifts or ask that the big or noisy ones stay at their house. It's not rude or ungrateful to set up boundaries, you might get pushback but remember it’s your home and you know what’s best.
Happy Organizing!
Jocelyn