Creating A More Equitable Home
In the last three years as a home organizer I’ve seen that in most homes one person is responsible for the majority of the household tasks. Some call it the mental load or emotional labour, but at the end of the day it is work that adds more to one person’s plate. The reality is that the person who’s taking on the burden of the household often finds themselves resenting their partner as they either have to do it all or delegate tasks rather than the partner seeing on their own what needs to be done. What’s worse is the partner who doesn’t participate criticizes the decision to hire help, they don’t see that there is a problem or worst of all think that it’s not their problem.
What I love about my job is that I can shift that household dynamic because the partner who never participated now sees everything and both partners (and any kids) now know where things belong. In order to maintain a newly organized space the whole family has to make small habit changes. All of the sudden they can see what is running low in the pantry or in the utility cupboard at a glance instead of having to ask “do we have any batteries”. It creates a level playing field where they can start over and create a new dynamic.
But lets be honest, not everyone can hire help. So what can we do to create a more equitable household on your own?
One thing I suggest is having open and honest conversations about what you do. I once wrote it out for my husband and to say that he was surprised was an understatement. In a lot of cases they truly don’t realize, and while that’s not okay we can’t expect a change unless we’re completely open about what we need. A lot of these roles are systemic, its how we were raised so we just continue on like that while burning ourselves out in the process. I also want to preface this by saying that having mess is okay, we are not striving for the perfect home but we do want to live in a place that doesn’t cause us additional stress.
One book that I found very helpful is Fair Play by Eve Rodsky (she even has a card game you can play together), What I like about it is that it’s not a focus on 50/50. It’s a focus on ownership of tasks.
The idea of Fair Play is pretty straightforward. It’s a time-and anxiety-saving system that helps couples fairly distribute daily tasks while creating a system that works for them. The idea is to take all the invisible work people (often women) do out of the shadows and share it more efficiently.
Fair Play’s aim is to offer a solution to the out of whack reality that women still take on about 2/3 or more of the unpaid domestic work and childcare for their homes and families.
The Rules
Couples getting started with Fair Play must follow four rules.
All Time is Created Equal: No one person’s hour is more important than the other’s.
Reclaim Your Right to Be Interesting: This is based on the principle that each person deserves time for themselves. Their value should not be limited to their responsibilities. How many of us have gotten an hour to ourselves only to spend it cleaning or tidying instead of doing what we want.
Start Where You Are Now: Couples are asked to be honest about where they’re at and what makes sense in terms of the expectations they put on themselves and their partner. Things aren’t always 50/50 but this will help you establish what works best at this time.
Establish Your Values And Standards: Rodsky encourages couples to start off by communicating why certain tasks matter to them and agreeing upon standards for what a task entails. This one is my favourite because it establishes what it means to successfully do a task. Its okay to have high standards and expect your partner to complete tasks at the same level.
Each partner will then pick their tasks and are responsible for the conception, planning and execution of the tasks- no more just make me a list and I’ll go to the grocery store, Now they will meal plan, look at what's needed for lunch boxes and staples what are out, do the shopping and put it all away at the end.
The Guidelines
Don’t give feedback in the moment: We all know nagging, correcting, and reminding can lead to tension, especially in the heat of the moment. Rodsky suggests saving feedback for a time and place specifically designated for an honest discussion between both parties.
Daily or weekly check in: Pick a time to have such discussions, mainly for the purpose of sharing what’s working and what isn’t with the hand you’ve been dealt.
Start with your why: Rather than telling each other what to do, Rodsky advises couples to express why something matters to them, This creates a more empathetic and open line of communication as opposed to anyone feeling bossed around.
Like anything, it takes work to implement these changes in our households but its worth it to get our time and energy back. A partnership should be just that, working together to build the life you want in and outside the home.
Happy Organizing,
Jocelyn